Loss, Grief, and Mourning
During a lifetime of companionship with animals and in my professional role as a Grief Therapist, I’ve experienced and been privileged to be a part of the impact of loss, dying, death and grief on animals and their people. Reactions around us are often insensitive and painful. We are told, “Get a hold of yourself, move on, it’s only a dog. You can get another one." “Only a dog - just an old cat!?" Only the singular experience in life that offers what we all need and want…Complete acceptance, unconditional love, deep and everlasting friendship and trust.Who May Need or Can Benefit From Grief Therapy? Anyone who has members of their animal family who have been diagnosed with a chronic or recurrent life-threatening or life-altering illness, critical, catastrophic or terminal illness, a diagnosis of certain fatal outcome or disability from illness or accident, coming to the close of life because of advancing years and decline and, of course, anyone who has already sustained a loss/death.
Others are those who have become permanently separated from their animal friends due to lifestyle change or the heart-wrenching experience of having a lost or missing animal. Included, also, are people who themselves or someone they are close to are seriously or terminally ill and are unable to continue to care for their animals. Please note: Complicated behavior problems can be a serious, life altering and life threatening condition causing an intense grief response that includes but is not limited to regret, shame, confusion, anticipatory mourning and conflicted feelings.
The goal is to help people discover and uncover their own way through difficult situations and make informed, loving decisions that they and their animals can live with. To be prepared to work through the various elements of grief toward a place where they can be comforted by tender memories and, if they choose, share their lives with other animals free of any sense of disloyalty.
Stages Of Grief: We are all familiar with the various stages or states of grief. Denial and Isolation, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. The concept was first formed to describe the dying experience but was later applied to grief. This early model is not to be taken literally. It is very general in nature and though these states or stages may exist, they are not experienced by everyone. When they are experienced it is common to move among them in no particular order and to return to any phases already experienced as well as those not described at all in this narrow framework. There is no “right” way to do it!
Sudden, Accidental Death Or Violent Death: “He always played safely in the yard. I never dreamed he could leap over the fence and into the street.” Murder of animals occurs more often than is widely known or recognized. Criminals murder many animals every year during the course of crime, hunters in pursuit of their blood “sport,” revenge killings by neighbors, other animals or as part of domestic violence. Shock, guilt, trauma, and post-traumatic stress can follow and linger for years both to people as well as other companion animals in the household.
The Last Days: The events surrounding the last day or last days of life can be traumatic and blur years of joy and happy memories. There are ways to help place those painful images into the fabric of healing and recovery so that they do not overwhelm and displace all others.
Difficult Choices: Faced with complicated circumstances, people sometimes choose to end a healthy animal’s life. There may seem to have been no other or no other good choice and while that may not be so in retrospect, the pain, guilt, and grief that remain deserves care and healing just as any other loss.
Children and Death: Children, generally about the age of six, develop the ability to understand death. Simple, honest answers to their questions are best. They should not be “protected” from the truth and be encouraged (not coerced!) to participate in the mourning and memorialization process. The phrase “going to sleep or put to sleep” should never be used. Children take that quite literally and may develop sleep phobias. Animals discarded, “gotten rid of” or sent away are a great loss for children who internalize the message that they, too, (if badly behaved) are dispensable.
Close of Life: As time or illness brings our beloved animal friends toward the close of their lives, how to best care for them can become complicated. Helping them to leave their broken bodies is not always or the only answer. The dying are still alive! They can be provided with palliative and hospice care at home and when they need help to complete their final journey, it can be done with care, compassion, delicacy and in an atmosphere of warmth and love that creates memories that can soften the sadness.
Helping Animals To Leave Their Broken Bodies: The loving, responsible choice when needed. Approaching it, understanding what to expect and the many choices as to how to arrange for it in the most gentle, dignified and compassionate ways.
Care of The Body When Released To Spirit: There are numerous ways to care for the body…the place in which a beloved friend lived. All the choices are “good” and “right” provided they are “right” for the individual and come from a decision that is fully informed. Those choices include burial, cremation, permanent preservation and mummification. Cryogenics (a rare choice) does not, yet, seem reliably available.
Coping With People Who Do Not Honor Your Loss: How to handle or avoid people who are insensitive & show little understanding or respect for your loss or anticipated loss. Pain and grief should not have to be complicated by the need to defend oneself.
This information is not intended to be counsel. It is designed to describe some (but not all) general issues along with their functions and goals. Therapy and counsel is individually tailored for each person/family and their specific needs. An initial evaluation (by phone) is available without cost. When necessary, therapy can be successfully accomplished by a combination of phone conversations, and e-mail. There is no cook book approach ever employed. Every care plan is designed for the individual.